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A Letter to Santa from Osama bin Laden

Dear Santa,

All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him.

I begin by discussing the state of my endeavors for world peace. According to the Qur’an, it has fallen to me, a true worshiper of God and follower of his prophet Muhammad, to act as a protectorate for the Jew and for the Christian. The problem, however, is that these two kingdoms won’t comply to the constricts of Shurai Law. I, therefore, request the following items to help me extend my influence towards peace on earth and good will towards men, and strict enforcement of Shurai Law. Please read and comply with this list, delivering these items down the chimney of a certain cave only known to magical creatures like you, the great Santa.

  1. New weapons. Many of our modified Kalishnakov’s have been confiscated by the great Satan. It would please me if you would supply munitions imported from China, i.e. the HNM-90 fully automatic rifle, the RPG-7 grenade launcher, as we are also familiar with this weapon as an import through our Iranian supply lines.
  2. Merit badges for my new Taliban scouting program. I am always looking out for the youth. I and my brothers have drafted a new list of merit badges and respective requirements. This is part of our efforts to give back more than scouting has ever given us. Please supply me with bandalos and patches for the following merit badges: 1)The Liquid-based Explosive Merit Badge, 2) The Accelerant Diaper Merit Badge, 3)The Packing a Van with TNT Merit Badge.
  3. A new video camera. I frequently deliver messages to the great Satan about my efforts to promote peace. I recently lent my camcorder to my brother in arms, Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri, to film his daughter’s ballet recital. To my anguish, he dropped my camera. It is now broken. Can you please send me a camera with 1080p resolution and at least a ½ inch sensor? Everyone here in the caves agrees that the production quality of my messages needs to improve.
  4. A new dialysis machine. My renal failure has become almost unbearable. I think this might be due to my use of a peritoneal dialysis machine. I think a hemodialysis machine might serve me better. I would rather have my blood pumped from my body through a fabricated membrane than continue with the discomfort of running a tube through my peritoneal cavity around my intestine.
  5. A Stretch Armstrong.

In the name of peace on earth and good will toward men, I submit this list of demands. As protectorate of those who do not adhere to the guidance of the Qur’an and by the severe acts I must take to insure the spread of Sharia Law, I urge you to listen to the poignant messages of U.N. soldiers fighting in the caves of Afghanistan and supply the demands of this list to help stop the humiliation, fear, and terror, which they are suffering on a daily basis.

Merry Christmas, seasons, greetings, and assalamu alaikum.

Yours truly,

Osama bin Laden

4 Comments

  1. avatar Aldo Camolez
    Posted December 7, 2010 at 11:38 pm | Permalink

    :O) LOL.

  2. avatar Snakesbeard
    Posted December 9, 2010 at 6:06 pm | Permalink

    The entire time I read this I imagined O-bin with that accent. So funny Craig. Who doesn’t want a stretch armstrong. LOL

  3. Posted December 13, 2010 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    Everyone needs a stretch armstrong to test duct-tape fastener locations and incendiary viscosity.

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